THREE: ASPIRATION
遊崇真觀南樓睹新及第題名處
雲峰滿目放春晴。
歷歷銀鉤指下生。
自恨羅衣掩詩句。
舉頭空羨榜中名。
today is the day
when spring takes over my sight
the mountains undulate under the clouds
this place
where great calligraphy grows between skillful fingers
yet I lament how a woman’s garment
seems enough to obscure her poems
raising my head to the roll of honor
that will not have my name
spring brought life back to the world, and honor, and dreams, and aspirations. as if the whole Chang’an city rushed here. some excited. some disappointed. the men who poured their hearts out to the civil service exam.
what a bright day. what an annoyingly bright day. I took another sip from the wine cups. it was not enough to calm myself down.
regardless how many poems I wrote, how many rhymes I matched, how many times I could pass praises with other poets and writers, it was not enough. I’d admit my envy and anger, if that meant I’d never lose to a man. all was in vain. I was never in place for this kind of honor and fame.
perhaps. because unlike the heavy robes the men were wearing, my dress was flowing like the clouds moving past the mountains.
FOUR: LOVE
賦得江邊柳 (臨江樹)
翠色連荒岸。
煙姿入遠樓。
影鋪秋水面。
花落釣人頭。
根老藏魚窟。
枝低繫客舟。
蕭蕭風雨夜。
驚夢復添愁。
today is the day
emerald green stains the desolate shoreline
faraway buildings peer through the trailing willows
their reflections sway over the autumn waves
catkins flutter onto the fishermen's heads
low branches ties the travelers’ boats
and somewhere hidden in the water
the tree roots have become a home for the fish
a storm gently roars outside of my window
waking up from my dream only adds to my sorrow
father had passed away. mother had been working as a laundress so we could scrape by. my marriage failed. writers praised the autumn sky’s beauty yet today it just rained. it disturbed my moments of peace in my sleep.
the willows outside my window wouldn’t survive the cold. as much as they tried to sway their bodies, bound themselves to the river, plead the fish, the people and the boats, eventually the leaves would all fall. ephemeral was beauty. the moments before everything crashed down.
but I thought of you. but when I had you by my side, someone who appreciated my talent and my personhood. you were my guide, my teacher, my dearest friend. a brilliant writer and a truly caring man. my love, how you encouraged me to go on.
how I wished you could stay. how I wished I had cut a branch of the willow for you. my departing gift. a piece of my wish: it was beautiful and delicate. like my longing: it was already so easily broken.